Hi. I'm so glad you are still here even though I've been such a "bad blogger" lately. To be honest, I've had this snarky little voice running through my head whining, "I don't wanna blog. I don't wanna talk about my life online. I only want to ride my bike through Portland's sunshiny streets and soak up every little morsel of "home time" I have…in private"
I guess that's just been the truth for me lately. After so much traveling this year and all the hoopla around launching a book, I've really needed a little me time—time to reflect on this wild transfomational ride I've been on for the past two years. I mean really!? How much change can one girl take? Apparently a lot.
So, even though I have been a totally absent blogger (and tweeter and newsletter writer and only a minimal facebooker), I have not forgotten about you. In fact, I've been thinking quite a bit about this little blog, and I've come to realize there are some pretty big shifts I'd like to make here. For one, I'm going to spruce up the look, and hey, maybe even add some sidebars like the rest of the world. But more importantly, I'm going to take the pressure off needing my blog entries to be so….well, complete and perfect. So often, the pressure I feel to create an AMAZING blog post actually keeps me from posting at all (perhaps you've noticed), and this also keeps me from posting what's really going on.
So, I'm changing my tune. I'm going to start blogging more about my fleeting thoughts, daily encounters, challenging transitions, and the daily ins-n-outs of being a traveling painter-teacher-author who goes through the entire spectrum of emotions on a daily basis. Because let's face it, life between the cracks is so much more interesting than the glossed-over magazine version, right?
I guess it's all about feeling ready to expose myself more and allowing myself to be vulnerable…both things I preach about in my workshops, yet still need to work on in my everyday life. Go figure. But, it's undeniable to me right now that offering up deeper reflections on my ongoing process of self discovery (cuz' damn that's juicy), and less about the "awesomeness of every workshop I've ever taught" (cuz' damn that's boring!) is where my heart is residing these days. This kind of authenticity is what I'm craving in all my relationships, so here I am, "Being the change" as Ghandi would say.
OK. So here goes. Let me tell you about something that JUST happened to me a mere hour ago:
I had my very first ever VOICE LESSON. As in singing.
I realize it may come as a surprise to some of you who see me as a very confident speaker type, but the truth is I've always had major issues with my voice and speaking my truth. I've actually traced a lot of it back to past lives, but I'll save that for another post! Let me just say, I was a painfully shy kid. Like painfully. I graduated into my teenage years feeling like a total wall flower. An ugly wall flower I might add. My twenties were wrought with self doubt and insecurities, and it was only when I hit thirty that I really start shift the negative stories I had been telling myself…my WHOLE life. Again, I'll save that shift for another blog entry, but I will say it had a LOT to do with Burning Man 🙂
So, yes, the past thirty-seven years (my whole life), I have been working hard to overcome deeply patterned feelings of unworthiness, un-prettiness and un-likableness. Thank GOD it's been getting easier and easier with every year of my thirties. I have high hopes for the forties…
OK, back to singing.
Singing…is one of my biggest most real fears. I even have a hard time singing Happy Birthday in a crowd of people! It's that bad. I have felt this tension in my throat for years, like a clamp. I've literally had to bust through loads of fear just in order to talk in front of groups of people, but singing has been almost completely off limits for me. So sad, right? I LOVE music. I love listening to other people sing and I've been longing to release my voice for years. Finally last week, I bravely made an appointment with the amazing Damien Anthony, and today was the dreaded day.
I was totally nervous as our lesson approached, but Damien had an awesome way of making me feel comfortable right away…like I could do no wrong. It was so interesting to notice how so much of what he said was exactly the kind of things I say in my own painting workshops. I s'pose it's really all the same work, just with different mediums.
Damien helped me to find a sweet spot in my voice today—a place where my jaw was relaxed, the air pipe was open and the vibrations could happen effortlessly. He had me sing happy birthday. Ha! My dreaded song! After I sang, he pointed out that my voice wasn't actually the problem. It was actually my FEAR keeping my voice from coming through naturally. Yep. I suspected as much.
So, we did some chorus-like scales and I focused on keeping in the sweet spot. It was simultaneously scary and liberating, and also pretty damn fun. Near the end, Damien said sweetly, "That sounded really beautiful," and to my surprise, I burst into tears. Mind you, I'm not a big crier. I generally keep it together in a cool and collected sort of way, so my burst of emotion actually took me off guard. Damien gave me a big ol' hug as the tears flowed. Singing (finally!) had opened up a huge emotional release leaving me feeling light, raw and vulerable…but good. Really good.
During those teary moments, I could tangibly feel myself becoming more compassionate towards all my students who have had simliar emotional releases during my painting workshops. I get it now. It was like a tight closed valve was starting to unscrew, and something that I'd been keeping very locked down for so many years was beginning to flow. And, this very flow was making me more whole.
Interesting to see how that flow has now led me to this writing flow. I love how it's all so connected.
Well, I think I'll wrap up this first raw experiement. Stay tuned for more unfiltered bursts of who knows what.
Until then, keep spreading your wings.
xo flora
Flora, this is it! That beautiful you – sneaking through the layers, and bringing such life to all the beauty around you. THANK YOU.
Flora, this is it! That beautiful you – sneaking through the layers, and bringing such life to all the beauty around you. THANK YOU.
I’m so happy for you Flora! It’s so great to be able to break through yet another layer of repressed “you-ness” and feel that joy.
I’m so happy for you Flora! It’s so great to be able to break through yet another layer of repressed “you-ness” and feel that joy.
Great post. I can’t wait to see more of you here. xo
Great post. I can’t wait to see more of you here. xo
Great! I get really bored with PR blogs but having said that I’ve had to decide recently whether to keep my blog (and in so doing keep presenting the imperfect me) or create a new PR-ed version of myself as I re-enter the world of surface pattern.
Having been immersed in the yoga community for so long, it doesn’t sit well to ‘spin’ a glossy sales image but then no doubt I will alienate some and loose business from the more judgemental people. Oh, this is turning into an essay, think I’d better blog about it! (yes, my real me blog!)
Incidentally, why not try chanting (I think of it as singing without the ego). There is rapid and life changing healing to be done through the vibration of the voice. In fact, your voice is your own personally tuned healing instrument.
Chanting is one of the things that my nearest and dearest fear will terrify my future agent/employer into avoidance but that’s for another blog!
I love it raw, so great post and look forward to more on your brave journey into song! Be bold! Let go! Unfold! ; ) x
Great! I get really bored with PR blogs but having said that I’ve had to decide recently whether to keep my blog (and in so doing keep presenting the imperfect me) or create a new PR-ed version of myself as I re-enter the world of surface pattern.
Having been immersed in the yoga community for so long, it doesn’t sit well to ‘spin’ a glossy sales image but then no doubt I will alienate some and loose business from the more judgemental people. Oh, this is turning into an essay, think I’d better blog about it! (yes, my real me blog!)
Incidentally, why not try chanting (I think of it as singing without the ego). There is rapid and life changing healing to be done through the vibration of the voice. In fact, your voice is your own personally tuned healing instrument.
Chanting is one of the things that my nearest and dearest fear will terrify my future agent/employer into avoidance but that’s for another blog!
I love it raw, so great post and look forward to more on your brave journey into song! Be bold! Let go! Unfold! ; ) x
of course we can relate to that. everyone has something right? and I can TOTALLY relate to that right now, as I am struggling struggling to find my relaxed, confident speaking voice as I am learning to stand up in front of people and talk to them, without that clamp coming down and making my voice waver and make me sound as if I am unsure of what I am saying. I must say I do find it hard to believe that you were ever shy or nervous of leading a group of people, but its great to know that you were not always like that, as it gives me hope. And am thinking maybe a voice workshop would be cool for me too. xx
of course we can relate to that. everyone has something right? and I can TOTALLY relate to that right now, as I am struggling struggling to find my relaxed, confident speaking voice as I am learning to stand up in front of people and talk to them, without that clamp coming down and making my voice waver and make me sound as if I am unsure of what I am saying. I must say I do find it hard to believe that you were ever shy or nervous of leading a group of people, but its great to know that you were not always like that, as it gives me hope. And am thinking maybe a voice workshop would be cool for me too. xx
Had a smile the whole time I was reading and my heart was singing – so happy for you Flora. Thanks for sharing yourself and yes it is so much more juicy : ))
Had a smile the whole time I was reading and my heart was singing – so happy for you Flora. Thanks for sharing yourself and yes it is so much more juicy : ))
Thanks so much for sharing Flora! I also have a love / fear of singing… it feels so good, but it sounds SO bad! I have an ear for music, but apparently feable vocal chords that just won’t create the notes right. My ears are offended by my tuneless attemps – and so I sing alone in the car, with music at sufficient volume to mask the noise and I can sing to my heart’s content. I think that the practice might even be helping to strengthen my voice and I kind of enjoy the secrecy of it too! One day I hope I can take a class too – it would be so good to loose the fear of singing in public. Happy singing x
Thanks so much for sharing Flora! I also have a love / fear of singing… it feels so good, but it sounds SO bad! I have an ear for music, but apparently feable vocal chords that just won’t create the notes right. My ears are offended by my tuneless attemps – and so I sing alone in the car, with music at sufficient volume to mask the noise and I can sing to my heart’s content. I think that the practice might even be helping to strengthen my voice and I kind of enjoy the secrecy of it too! One day I hope I can take a class too – it would be so good to loose the fear of singing in public. Happy singing x
Thank you for sharing, Flora. Just want to tell you again how much I love your book. It’s in my kitchen and I flip it open daily for inspiration. With four hungry kids to feed all day, I’m not painting much. Your book has so many good and beautiful messages.
x
Thank you for sharing, Flora. Just want to tell you again how much I love your book. It’s in my kitchen and I flip it open daily for inspiration. With four hungry kids to feed all day, I’m not painting much. Your book has so many good and beautiful messages.
x
Ah, the layers of oneself. Forever peeling them back is truly wonderful. Sometimes they are sweet and sometimes they sting like a red onion or an open jalapeno pepper where the capsaicin has been broken. It is wonderful and life truly is as one wants it to be. BTW, KUDOS on Singing! It is fun, huh?
Ah, the layers of oneself. Forever peeling them back is truly wonderful. Sometimes they are sweet and sometimes they sting like a red onion or an open jalapeno pepper where the capsaicin has been broken. It is wonderful and life truly is as one wants it to be. BTW, KUDOS on Singing! It is fun, huh?
Awesome Flora, that sounds like thrilling experience.
As a fellow blogger, I try to never beat myself up for not blogging enough. Remember you are prolific artist and you give a lot already. We all do what we can. Thanks for the post.
Awesome Flora, that sounds like thrilling experience.
As a fellow blogger, I try to never beat myself up for not blogging enough. Remember you are prolific artist and you give a lot already. We all do what we can. Thanks for the post.
You are positively delightful!
You are positively delightful!
Thanks Flora for posting this raw and truthfull image of yourself. I find these days that I enjoy reading blogs that are not all glossed over and that expose ones true self. I had to laugh to myself when I read that you had a fear of singing because I can identify with you there. Before this post I viewed you as a totally confident put together, had it all person, glad to know that you have this side to yourself to. I’ll be following your blog daily with my morning coffee in my hand. Love your book by the way, you inspire so many people, enjoy your down time. Peace from Alberta Canada
Thanks Flora for posting this raw and truthfull image of yourself. I find these days that I enjoy reading blogs that are not all glossed over and that expose ones true self. I had to laugh to myself when I read that you had a fear of singing because I can identify with you there. Before this post I viewed you as a totally confident put together, had it all person, glad to know that you have this side to yourself to. I’ll be following your blog daily with my morning coffee in my hand. Love your book by the way, you inspire so many people, enjoy your down time. Peace from Alberta Canada
The very best kinds of teachers are also learners. Those who understand that there is more to learn and to give and loose… More to be tasted, and seen with the heart and mind. You da bomb Flora, bless!!!
The very best kinds of teachers are also learners. Those who understand that there is more to learn and to give and loose… More to be tasted, and seen with the heart and mind. You da bomb Flora, bless!!!
So happy for you! *sob*
Thank you so much for sharing!
So happy for you! *sob*
Thank you so much for sharing!
This is such a beautiful post Flora, thank you!
I’ve been wanting to find my more authentic voice when writing for a long time now… I will remember from now on that life is much more interesting between the cracks!
Enjoy your new flow and your singing – so wonderful!
This is such a beautiful post Flora, thank you!
I’ve been wanting to find my more authentic voice when writing for a long time now… I will remember from now on that life is much more interesting between the cracks!
Enjoy your new flow and your singing – so wonderful!
I’m so excited for you. Taking voice lessons has been on my secret to do list for years. You are now inspiring me on a whole new level! You go, girl!
I’m so excited for you. Taking voice lessons has been on my secret to do list for years. You are now inspiring me on a whole new level! You go, girl!
Hi Flora,
Your paintings sing already!! A really heartfelt post that so many of us can relate to. I have often cried just singing along to a song on my own because, like you say, it just opens up a valve that’s been shut tight! A close friend of mine has had the courage to start a coaching business that explores exactly what your blog touches on: http://mandysiegel.wordpress.com/about/
Check it out and when you’re back in Melbourne (Australia)…who knows what might happen!
Hi Flora,
Your paintings sing already!! A really heartfelt post that so many of us can relate to. I have often cried just singing along to a song on my own because, like you say, it just opens up a valve that’s been shut tight! A close friend of mine has had the courage to start a coaching business that explores exactly what your blog touches on: http://mandysiegel.wordpress.com/about/
Check it out and when you’re back in Melbourne (Australia)…who knows what might happen!
Yep, yep, yep…you go girl. 🙂 Love it. Right with you. What an incredible journey, eh? Wordless at times, but most definitely not voiceless.
Yep, yep, yep…you go girl. 🙂 Love it. Right with you. What an incredible journey, eh? Wordless at times, but most definitely not voiceless.
wow this post touches me deeply!!!! thank you so much for sharing! I am 39 and have spent a lot of years trying to change the bad view I have of myself, I think it is better now than 10 years ago, so me too I have high hopes for my 40s (-;
And to sing just makes one happy, doesn´t it? But I can´t sing..maybe I should give it a try and take some lessons, thank you for this inspiration!!
wow this post touches me deeply!!!! thank you so much for sharing! I am 39 and have spent a lot of years trying to change the bad view I have of myself, I think it is better now than 10 years ago, so me too I have high hopes for my 40s (-;
And to sing just makes one happy, doesn´t it? But I can´t sing..maybe I should give it a try and take some lessons, thank you for this inspiration!!
I’m so glad you are back and refreshing your blog approach. This post touched me to the core and I can totally relate from the childhood shyness to the living our truth. I actually blogged about the need for living my truth on the same day! And I used the concept to shape my yoga class yesterday. Your post hit home and I thank you for sharing. I look forward to your posts.
I’m so glad you are back and refreshing your blog approach. This post touched me to the core and I can totally relate from the childhood shyness to the living our truth. I actually blogged about the need for living my truth on the same day! And I used the concept to shape my yoga class yesterday. Your post hit home and I thank you for sharing. I look forward to your posts.
Hi Flora,
Beautiful post. I can definitely relate to growing up painfully shy. I’m so happy for you that singing will be part of your life now. I love to sing, just for myself and my kids, and couldn’t imagine not having it. You really are practicing what you teach. You are so beautifully BRAVE!
Hi Flora,
Beautiful post. I can definitely relate to growing up painfully shy. I’m so happy for you that singing will be part of your life now. I love to sing, just for myself and my kids, and couldn’t imagine not having it. You really are practicing what you teach. You are so beautifully BRAVE!
Way to go! I love to sing but my sister was always dubbed the singer in the family so I didn’t think I could. Now, I love to sing out loud while I paint.
Happy Weekend!
Jenny
Way to go! I love to sing but my sister was always dubbed the singer in the family so I didn’t think I could. Now, I love to sing out loud while I paint.
Happy Weekend!
Jenny
Love hearing that you’ll be posting more real life stuff! Thank you for opening up. And congrats on the move to learn to sing! You have a beautiful rich alto voice. It’s just a matter or learning to open your instrument — your mouth, throat, diaphragm, etc. — and it sounds like you have a great teacher to help you do that. Very cool.
Love hearing that you’ll be posting more real life stuff! Thank you for opening up. And congrats on the move to learn to sing! You have a beautiful rich alto voice. It’s just a matter or learning to open your instrument — your mouth, throat, diaphragm, etc. — and it sounds like you have a great teacher to help you do that. Very cool.
great post. the real sharing, and the real facing of our fears in creative ways, is the medicine we all need from ourselves and each other. ♥
great post. the real sharing, and the real facing of our fears in creative ways, is the medicine we all need from ourselves and each other. ♥
THAT A GIRL!!!
I LOVE YOU XXXXX
THAT A GIRL!!!
I LOVE YOU XXXXX
Flora, If you have not tried chanting in Kirtan, give that a try. I have had the experience of sound just traveling through me instead of me trying to project sound out. Really I look for that divine moment in expressing on the canvas as well….only happens when we can lay the ego aside and with that the self critic. Thank you for your posts, your authenticity is refreshing.
Flora, If you have not tried chanting in Kirtan, give that a try. I have had the experience of sound just traveling through me instead of me trying to project sound out. Really I look for that divine moment in expressing on the canvas as well….only happens when we can lay the ego aside and with that the self critic. Thank you for your posts, your authenticity is refreshing.
Flora, bravo to you for writing from the heart. I’ve been starting to think that all this focus on ‘branding’ stops us seeing real people any more. It takes courage but you certainly have that as evidenced by your letting go in your painting. Singing is actually that ‘thing you’re most afraid of’ for me as well and as such a singing lesson is on my must-do list. It was so inspiring to read about you actually doing this, thank you for being vulnerable enough to share it. I know I would’ve cried too!
Flora, bravo to you for writing from the heart. I’ve been starting to think that all this focus on ‘branding’ stops us seeing real people any more. It takes courage but you certainly have that as evidenced by your letting go in your painting. Singing is actually that ‘thing you’re most afraid of’ for me as well and as such a singing lesson is on my must-do list. It was so inspiring to read about you actually doing this, thank you for being vulnerable enough to share it. I know I would’ve cried too!
Flora, what an inspiration you are. I was first attracted by your art and plan to take your class (unfortunately time won’t allow until next year :(…..
I commend you on confronting your fear. That is so amazing what happened and how you are feeling now. That’s a road I have finally decided to go down – you will inspire me on my journey and I hope to meet you at the end 🙂
Thank you for sharing.
Flora, what an inspiration you are. I was first attracted by your art and plan to take your class (unfortunately time won’t allow until next year :(…..
I commend you on confronting your fear. That is so amazing what happened and how you are feeling now. That’s a road I have finally decided to go down – you will inspire me on my journey and I hope to meet you at the end 🙂
Thank you for sharing.